To Be or Not To Be—That is the Question …and the answer is yes…and no
Should I Avoid Conflict?
For much of my earlier life, my pendulum swung toward conflict avoidance. Perhaps conflict avoidance is simply part of our fight-or-flight response. But for me it was bigger than that. I grew up as a people pleaser—and if I'm honest, part of me still is today. I'm also someone who naturally senses and feels the emotions of others around me. With these tendencies, I often went out of my way to avoid conflict. At times I avoided offering what most people would consider constructive criticism. Other times I would push my own feelings and thoughts down. I wouldn’t share how I was feeling because I didn't want to create waves, cause problems, or say something that might lead to an argument.
That approach worked in some situations, and there certainly are times when avoiding conflict is the wisest response. But it didn't work nearly as well as I thought it did. In some cases, avoiding the conversation actually made things worse. There were moments when I needed to be more honest about my thoughts—for my own well-being. Through those experiences, I learned that there were times when I needed to be more direct. I am more balanced about it today.
I think of Stephen Covey’s principle, “Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood.” I was really good about the first part of it – but not as good about seeking to be understood. If you are unwilling to share your concerns, thoughts, and perspectives, you can never truly be understood.
One book that had a meaningful impact on me is Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson and his coauthors. If avoiding conflict is something you wrestle with, I think you’ll find it well worth reading.
Ultimately, I have learned that healthy conflict can be a good thing. Sometimes, the conversation we most want to avoid is the one we most need to have.